Drunken Descriptions
by Atsushishi
Summary: A wasted Chuuya angrily describes Dazai to a highly amused Akutagawa. I hate myself why did I write this


**Disclaimer: I do not own Bungou Stray Dogs or its characters.**

 **I don't know why but this idea came to mind and I felt the need to write this. It's sort of short but I hope you'll like it !**

"Aaargh!"

That was the fourth drunken outburst of the night.

Akutagawa huffed, looking at the steaming Chuuya.

Who was currently drunk out of his mind.

Akutagawa looked away, chuckling. Chuuya was not a man who could hold his liquor. He had consumed only half the amount Ryunosuke had, yet was already like this.

It was quite hilarious, really.

The situation was more humorous with what Chuuya was screaming about.

"That damn suicide freak! Damn that damn Dazai! Aagh!"

He had been screeching about Osamu for the past ten minutes, not even about anything in particular.

Chuuya was normally angry, but an angry _and_ wasted Chuuya?

Priceless.

Akutagawa took another sip of his beer.

"What about Dazai is making you so upset?"

He asked this nonchalantly, but he was dying to hear the stupid reason the drunken man would come up with.

Chuuya hiccuped, rolling on his side.

"Everything. He's jsut so damn, damn dumb!"

"Everything?"

"Did I fucking stutter?"

He had, but Akutagawa wasn't going to say anything.

"Even his hair is stupid."

"How so?"

Chuuya grumbled, pushing himself up in a sitting position.

"Shit."

"Shit?"

"His hair is the color of shit."

Akutagawa choked.

"What else about him is stupid?"

Chuuya was now sitting with his legs crossed, propping his head up with his elbow.

"His eyes look like shit too. Like shit mixed with mud."

He gasped, shooting up and pointing a finger.

"A shithead! He's a real shithead! Get it? Bahahahaha! Dazai is a shithead! Ha!"

Chuuya was laughing hysterically, at his own joke nonetheless.

Akutagawa was laughing too, but for an entirely different reason.

After their laughter had died down, Chuuya slumped back down, apparently upset again.

"He really is a shithead. His hair looks like the shit that slithered out of my ass."

Akutagawa was trying so very hard to avoid choking on his beer.

What the fuck was wrong with drunk Chuuya?

And why was it so goddamn funny?

"Any-anything else?"

Chuuya grunted, gulping the rest of his drink down.

"He's like a fucking giant. What the fuck is wrong with his fucking legs what the fuck."

Akutagawa snorted, mostly because Dazai was just over average height. Chuuya was just short.

"And his smile."

Nakahara smirked.

"A shit-eating grin to match a shithead!"

He wheezed, slapping his knee.

"Tch. And his laugh. His laugh sounds like, like, like, like satan having a goat baby or some shit."

Akutagawa spit out his drink trying to stifle his laughter.

Chuuya continued with his drunken rant.

"He walks like he has a monster dick up his ass. I bet he does. Dazai the shithead shoves dicks up his dick ass."

Akutagawa had tears in his eyes at this point. This was so goddamn funny and he was never going to let Chuuya live it down.

Although, Sober Chuuya would probably just agree with Drunk Chuuya.

Either way, he was telling everybody.

"No wonder he wants to kill himself. If I had a monster dick up my ass I would want to, want to, want to kill myself too, the fuck."

Chuuya opened another can of beer, taking a large swig.

"His stupid fucking ability too. He can take that non human finger or whatever and shove it up my ass. Wait no that's fucking gay. He can shove it up his ass."

"B- but I thought there was a monster dick up his ass?"

Akutagawa managed to ask in between his wheezing.

Chuuya huffed, looking away with a troubled expression.

"Fuck. He can shove it up your ass then."

"I don't want Dazai's finger in my ass."

"That's too fucking bad because I'm not gay and he already has a dick in his ass."

"I'm not gay either."

"Your gay ass says you are."

"You're gay."

"If you're asking to fuck I accept."

"Chuuya, you're drunk as fuck."

"You're gonna get fucked."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck Dazai."

Akutagawa exhaled, sort of glad he was back to Dazai. Any more talking about fucking and Chuuya might have tried to suck his dick or something.

"Fuck Dazai and his hair and his eyes and his shithead face and fuck the monster dick in his ass. Fuck Dazai I'm going to sleep."

Chuuya rambled on about how shitty Dazai was, slumping forward so he was laying down. It was only a matter of seconds before he was snoring loudly.

Akutagawa laughed, finishing up the last of his beer before tossing the can to the side.

He was going to have to get Chuuya drunk more often.

 **I have no idea what this was but I was howling the whole time I was writing this I hope you enjoy this as much as I hope you will. Also, I definitely don't think so poorly of Dazai I just think this is how Chuuya thinks. Please leave a review if you'd like !**

 **(I'd also like to thank Tyler for the ass slithering reference love you)**


End file.
